She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
