So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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