3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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