Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
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