By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
