why didn't you poke me back
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
