I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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