I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Randomize
