I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
I feel great
I just peed on a car
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Randomize
