Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
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