I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Randomize
