I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
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