Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize