she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
There's a naked man in my car right now.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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