i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
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This is sufficient.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
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