So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Randomize
