So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
Slut skills are useful in every country.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
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