the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
