Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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