I like to think it a success when the cops are called
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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