she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
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