im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
