I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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