Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Randomize
