Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
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