Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
