i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
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