We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Randomize
