We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?