Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
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Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
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Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?