I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
29 People Confess The Worst Example Of Dirty Talk They’ve Ever Heard
I miss vodka workout Fridays
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
21 Women Compare Anal and Vaginal Sex
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.