It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
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