News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize