the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Randomize
