He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
