So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Randomize
