I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
