hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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