I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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