the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
