Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
