What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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