So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
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