porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
I have feelings that need drinking.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
