don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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