I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
The best revenge is premature balding
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
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