Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
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