Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Randomize
