Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Randomize
