i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Randomize
