Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
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You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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