Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Randomize
