I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Randomize
