i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
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