My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
