he wasnt completely random
you're right. you met him once and didnt know his name. you still dont
i get things done.
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Randomize
